Sunday, April 11, 2010

long and personal

I don't like Springfield, much. Not to sound like a whiny 16 year old. It's a fine town, just as good or bad as any other. It has just never felt like 'home' to me. I think as long as I live here, I will always feel like this is the place I came to go to college, and then couldn't figure out how to leave.

A Destitute Man

It was a mistake coming to school here, and it was never where I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I'm almost mature enough to admit that there's slim chance I'll be going back to finish my degree. I'm still not sure how I feel about not being a college graduate, but I fail to see how officially having a degree in photography is going to enrich my life. I only regret not getting to have a senior show. I think that's a really powerful experience.

corset satin bust
satin landscape hook and eye

I've made the best of it, I think. I have a decent job, even if I don't like it very much. I've met lots of neat people, have a boyfriend and have made our hip little loft livable. I know where most things in town are and have finally almost figured out how to get around (I'm hopeless when it comes to this).

But, if I had my way, I'd move back to my hometown, buy the ten acres across from my mom's house that my grandparent's once owned, and build myself a home. Maybe I could be a substitute teacher at my old school. Or I could probably be filthy rich if I opened up an alterations shop there. It's not the greatest place, it's kind of boring, it's kind of racist, people kind of suck at driving. But those ten acres in the summertime, I can't think of a single place I'd rather be.


My house would be a bungalow-victorian-cottage hybrid. The colors would reference San Fran's Painted Ladies (my mom's favorite), but the scale would be much more manageable. And it would be one of those inside-out houses where there's an outdoor courtyard smack dab in the middle of the house, that maybe opens up into a big, dreamy garden.

Somewhere, in a distant parallel universe, there is a Courtney J. who is independent and strong enough to do this. But she is not I. And I don't know where I'll be in five years. Or next year. I don't like that feeling.


cArLa said...

i hope you find what you are looking for... we are all searching and questioning... i don't know where i will be 5 or 10 years from now (honestly, i don't care too much about it) and maybe my nonchalant attitude is what keeps me content and focused on what i need to do now to be happier... take care, hugs to you!